Sparks
by Queen Risa
Summary: No amount of darkness can hide a spark of light. Angsty, Post-S one-shot. Written for the amazing Everythingelsewithoutreason for the Tumblr Usamamo Fanwork Exchange 2019


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. All rights to respective owners. **

**A/N: Hereeee's my usamamo fanwork exchange gift and it's for the lovely Everythingelsewithoutreason (Moon Bunny on ). Argh I struggled with it, like I REALLY struggled coming up with something. You basically gave me a full open space to create anything usamamo related, you're so open-minded on fics and I really kind of got stumped because of that somehow lol so I have NO idea how I came up with this but it's what I thought up when you answered the asks about quality over a certain trope, you like how they have a link, connection together, you like Sailor Moon S, emotions, etc. etc. So I got the idea of post s, angsty, emotional usamamo lol**

**I want to apologize to you in super advance if I was totally off base and this fic was not your cup of tea but hopefully you'll enjoy at least one part I got right, fingers crossed! It was a honor to write this fic for you!**

**Lastly, HUGE thanks to Antigone2 for doing this fanwork exchange again this year and for giving me an extra day to get this done. **

**Setting and timeline: Sailor Moon S (Your fave season ;)) and after the battle, kind of post sailor moon s final battle then. Oh and I kind of used Manga Mamoru's powers being an empath and all since I think that's a really nice touch lol oh and I researched about fireworks in Japan and all these different kinds so basically:**

**senko hanabi: hand held sparklers**

**funshutsu hanabi: a larger sparkler you place on the ground and it you know, sparkles lol**

**Well, hopefully enjoy?!**

* * *

**Sparks**

It was a subtle, slow change that could go unnoticed to the naked eye and for people who may have not known her like how he did. It was like watching a piece of white parchment paper begin to fray, yellow around its edges with wear and tear, as time rolled on. It felt unnatural, just witnessing it the last few weeks. It seemed as if the sky too, felt the uneasiness and melancholy and, in response, dulled its brilliant blues to dusky hues that normally, would indicate a rain was descending onto Tokyo, but the droplets never seemed to materialize and make their presence known.

Even at first, he, didn't exactly ignore it, but made up reasonable conclusions that gave him solace, because it was easier to accept it, and stay in that happy state.

By no means was the last year very conducive to optimism or high spirits, but he didn't think much of it after so many battles. He grew so accustomed to seeing her as such a strong leader, so in tune with her emotions and expressions, so brave, such a warrior with gentle, compassionate hands. And so he never really worried about her keeping something like this bottled up, he trusted her to tell him if anything did come up.

The girls didn't know notice either because they also had put their full trust in their leader. They were her confidants, comrades - her best friends.

It was terrifying, watching the person you loved begin to hollow out, pretend to be themselves when they're not.

It began mere days after they finished their latest fight. They vanquished Pharaoh 90, saved the Earth once more, and closed a chapter on yet another dangerous enemy, but as per routine, the victory did not come without costs or trauma.

The horrible risk they faced with losing Chibiusa, the decision of whether or not to kill an innocent child because of her predestined path, and the almost apocalyptic sight of their beloved city on that day was forever seared into each of their minds.

It wasn't so noticeable. Canceling dates wasn't out of the norm for them, but when it came to _Usagi_, herself, canceling them, concerns were risen. And it wasn't just him she was avoiding, the girls had confessed to seeing her less and less, whether at the Crown or just hanging out in general.

The times they did see her, Mamoru would immediately take note of the fine cracks in her otherwise - seemingly - perfect appearance. Even if she believed that she was hiding the redness and puffiness well, he could still see the evidence of tears and crying on her face. In rare moments, when she thought no one was looking, except he was, her façade would fall along with her face, for just a few seconds. Her smiles were no longer brilliant and natural but rehearsed, strained with tightness and obligation. Golden, impeccable buns were replaced with a similar but lazier style.

And her eyes - such timeless, luminous features that flashed with extraordinary sparks of passion - have recently, lost their true luster, left only a pale imitation of the real thing.

All were signs, signals that were screaming at him to do something, and all he did was reason and tell himself he was overreacting.

The tipping point he finally hit - something that would have been the first sign, not the last if he had just intervened earlier - was just a few days ago when he tried to read into her, use their connection and his ability to dive into her mind, just for a second, just to read her emotions and confirm, or deny, his suspicions.

He never allowed himself to do such a breach of privacy, especially to her, but it was desperate times and it was all for good reasons, just to create a peace of mind, and it was just to for a few, short moments. So he openly peeked into her mind, searched through her emotions, and subtly channeled her being while she was preoccupied with talking to Minako.

It had been barely a second into the invasion, and he was hit with a wall-_no, _a shield more like it, and the armor surrounded very inch of her mind and heart.

He felt nothing. No emotions, just protection and that's what scared him down to the bottom of his heart. He knew very well that need for a wall, of a coating to protect himself from hurt - a _mask_.

He should have known - he should have talked to her about it all after the defeat, but he had that nostalgic feel of anxiety bubbling in his chest and he thought against it. It was silly for _him _to be the one to initiate that kind of emotional conversation when he didn't know how he was supposed to even start it. _She _was the one who knew what to do, how to make walls crumble around a person, and he was the one who built the walls. Suddenly it was reversed.

But he couldn't be Usagi, no one really could be. As much as she had rubbed off on him, he still struggled with her natural openness and displays of emotions. He was a work in progress in that department.

What he did have was the ability to cheer her up, no matter how small the gesture would be. Months ago, when she lost her ability of transformation, her smile still had the chance to blossom upon the discovery of the abandoned kitten house he had taken her to. It was a wonderful feeling seeing her adorable face light up like a full moon on a dark night, and it showed that she was still his amazing, crazy, lovable Usagi, even if she didn't necessarily feel quite like it.

This time, though, it may take more than kittens to see that genuine smile rise to the surface and for those sparks of Usagi to reignite in her eyes again.

* * *

It took some light planning, and researching, since this activity was not his forte in the slightest, but Chiba Mamoru pulled it take together really nicely. Finding the perfect spot in Nakano Heiwanomori Park wasn't too much of a hassle, and going to Don Quijote to grab a few essentials and a fancy, floral embellished lighter didn't have him breaking a sweat either.

Actually getting Usagi to go out with him…..that was a challenge these days.

With the lure of a full picnic feast, his girlfriend accepted the invitation, albeit with caution. She kept reminding him that she was deathly sick and would most likely infect him with the disease, even though he knew for certain that she wasn't under the weather at all.

It was a classic, flimsy excuse for her to try to get out of it, but he didn't buy it one bit. In all honesty, he hadn't bought many of her rain check excuses she'd used the last few weeks, but he felt there was no reason to ever push their dates on her.

But this was one that she couldn't talk herself out of.

Just as the sun began its descent into the horizon, he picked her up - huge picnic basket under her arm, charming floral dress billowing around her legs and all - and began to speed over to the Nakano ward while their daylight was burning.

They made good time and got there with the orange sunlight still filtering through the sky. She had kept asking where they were, what they were doing, when they could eat the food in the picnic basket, her curiosity growing with each passing minute, and he smiled to himself, thankful that no matter what could happen, Usagi will always invest in that intense interest of hers.

Once he parked on the side of the road, her curiosity only increased, wondering what was with all the mystery. Even as they got out of the car, she followed him to the back, persistent on getting her answers.

He hauled the heavy brown bag out of the trunk of his car and set it down next to them. "That's what we're doing."

Her eyes followed his hand to the open bag and both her blonde eyebrows shot up. "Mamo-chan, why do you have a bag of fireworks in the back of your car?"

"I told you," he explained causally, bending back down into the trunk, "It's what we're doing here."

He came back up with a roll of trash bags and a tub of water, having looked up proper fireworks etiquette.

"Okay, you've really lost me now," Usagi admitted.

All he responded with was a tender smile, his fingers sliding the basket handle out of her hand and placing it on the ground instead.

He set up quickly, a deep, growing dread building in the pit of his stomach as he tried to assemble the right words, the right explanations, the play-out of the conversation in the back of his mind, and yet he still felt so petrified of saying something wrong and her closing up altogether on him.

The fireworks idea was inspired from the fireworks festival in Sumida they visited with Chibiusa. Mamoru had watched with such awe at the way her eyes had lit up with so much amazement, reflections of the fireworks swirling around in the indigo coloring. And then the idea grew more and more and he knew what exactly to do, just in Usagi style, you always had to have some source of happiness or lightness with these conversations. I.E., he took it literally and sprang for light.

When there was nothing else to do, he straightened and swallowed down the large lump stuck in his dry throat. "Usako, I want to ask you something and you need to be 100% honest with me, okay?"

She met his strong gaze head on, concern sketched in her features now. "Sure, absolutely Mamo-chan. What's the question?"

_Here goes. _"What's wrong?"

She blinked at him, an innocent, questioning gaze in her eyes. "Nothing's wrong."

He closed his eyes. "No, Usa. I know something's wrong with you."

There was a wisp of realization that occurred in her eye, but it was hurriedly hidden. "There's nothing wrong with me."

"Please," he said softly, midnight eyes sympathetic, "don't lie to me."

She shook her head a little, and parted her lips, getting ready to speak her defense but he stopped her.

"Your smiles don't brighten up the room anymore," he pointed out, a hitch in his tone. "You avoid everyone and your eyes…...they're not the same anymore. They don't shine when a milkshake is in front of you, they don't light up when you're talking to your friends, they don't narrow anymore when Luna makes a joke about your eating habits, they don't look happy anymore because, nowadays, it doesn't seem like you're happy at all. Luna even told all of us that you've been crying in your sleep too."

She kept quiet this time, lips a thin line, and eyes roaming her surroundings, except for him. Never did they land on him.

"I can notice when you're not yourself," he almost whispered. She appeared like she was shrinking, becoming smaller and smaller in the darkening settings. "I know when someone is pushing down all their emotions and using a mask to hide themselves from what they're afraid to admit," he interjected. "I know because I practically invented it."

He could practically see the waves of nerves vibrating through her body. "What is this?" she challenged, expression baffled, "An intervention or something?"

"Please just tell me, what's been bothering you?"

It was a strange and new situation for him to be in, asking someone to let go of their feelings and experience the emotions they'd been denying. Usually, it was the other way around for him, and asking Usagi of such a thing never seemed like a possibility because she was an open book, pages and pages of thoughts fluttering around so freely.

"Is it nightmares, fears - whatever it is, I can help you. Or the girls could help you, we're all here for you."

She visibly swallowed, and a glazed over look occurred in her dull, unmoving eyes. "It's _nothing._"

"Just tell me," the desperateness in him made his voice break at the end. "_Please_. This isn't you."

Broken from her trance, she met his pleading eyes and something finally gave out. Her mouth opened and shut numerous times before a single, hushed word was eventually said. "Everything."

It hung in the air while he waited, giving her the chance to continue because he knew there had to be more than just one word.

Her small hands clutched the flowy fabric of her skirt, the little floral imprints crumpling and twisting in her fists. The pigtailed blonde licking her chapped lips. "I-I have nightmares where I wake up crying, and I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time an-and I can't stop thinking about all these horrible things that could happen and-and….I don't know why, but I feel scared all the time. And I have all these doubts in my head and-and…...I blame myself for everything that happened."

"What are you talking about?" He took a stride to her but she stumbled back. "Usa, you're the one that saved us, you saved the world."

Usagi shook her head, waves of pale gold shifting in the limited light. "But I wasn't strong enough to stop it before. Chibiusa almost died and I had no idea what I was supposed to do, and I had to save Hotaru and everybody was counting on me….. I felt so scared and lost and completely powerless…."

Her body visibly swayed, rattled as she spoke with a bit more volume and rasp. "How is it possible that I can be so powerful and so helpless at the same time?"

Any words he could come up with, died in his throat.

"And I wonder when the next enemy will come, because we all know that this wasn't the last one," she said with a harsh laugh, "what if I'm not strong enough to defeat them next time, what if I can't and I lose all of you because of some stupid feelings and doubts and….." She lowered her head further down. "It's so stupid."

He found his voice too pressed and quiet. "No, it's not."

"Yes it is!" She at last locked eyes with him. "I'm supposed to be the leader, I'm supposed to be who everyone looks to and I can't fall apart, I can't let everything get to me like this. I c-can't….I can't…."

He sighed, frustrated. "Showing emotion is not a sign of anything. You know this better than anyone, you taught me that."

He attempted to connect to her again, to understand her better, but was blocked once again, and the wall seemed even thicker than last time. "Why….why were you hiding all these things from us?"

She sniffled, finding the ground an interesting sight once again. "Because it was easier to hide it, ignore it until it went away, than show everyone that I wasn't strong, to burden people I love," she whispered, "I was _scared _to admit it. I was scared to admit that I can't handle this anymore."

"Usa-"

"I'm supposed to be a ruler in the future," she croaked, eyes wet and raw, "I'm supposed to be a strong, brave leader that rules the plant and protects every single life on it. I'm supposed to handle this and I can't-I can't because inside I'm still just a scared little kid….and I'll always be."

Mamoru shook his head slightly. "Usa, it's okay to be scared. It's okay to not be strong or brave all the time. It's okay to have doubts."

The blonde intently studied her nude flats instead of looking forward.

"What isn't okay is letting it dictate your life, to hold them in. Trust me, I know how easy it is to just slip on a mask, shove down the feelings and say "_that I'm okay, I can't show how I really feel because it'll be worse if I do". _It won't though."

She bit her lip and looked at him with somber eyes. "Then why does it feel like it will be?"

He shrugged. "You can hide behind that mask for so long and soon, you'll forget how to take it off," he stated, a tinge of sadness throbbing in his heart.

A guilty look washed over her face, and so he dropped it and became focused on what he came here to do.

"Why the fireworks," she asked faintly, after he became busied with them.

He ran a shaky hand through his dark hair. "The spark in your eyes is gone so I figured maybe creating some other sparks, might inspire you." He pulled the pack of senko hanabi sparklers and a large funshutsu hanabi out of the brown bag.

"What is this Mamo-chan," she asked hoarsely.

Grabbing the pack of sparklers, he ripped open the top of the plastic bag. "I need you to talk to me but I know from experience that it's better not _just_ to talk."

Her eyebrows knitted together as he laid the opened bag back down.

"Say something, anything that you're afraid to admit to yourself, something you think about a lot, anything," he explained, gesturing to the senko hanabi sparklers on the ground, "Then light one."

The doubt outlined her crystal clear eyes, begging the question of "_why_?", but nevertheless, complete trust pushed it out and she gently picked up the bag, slipping out a multi-colored string, and he placed the lighter in her other hand.

It was a dead silence, her azure eyes staring down the handheld firework in between her fingers, and nothing else.

"Some nights, I force Chibiusa to sleep in my bed," she finally confessed, quietly, "Because I have nightmares of that night, and when I wake up from it, I need her there next to me, to remind me that she's okay, that she's _alive_."

The flame was ignited on the lighter, sparking the string, and in seconds the flecks of gold began to appear, popping rapidly. They flew off the string in all different directions. And then they slowly, one by one, the sparks died and she grabbed a new piece.

"I can still feel the pain of when my pure heart crystal was ripped out," her voice broke this time as she lit the next one, a similar reaction happening. As its sparks dulled, she would drop it into the bucket of water, and then pick up another one, lighter at the ready.

"I get flashes of when I was inside of Pharaoh 90, trying to save Hotaru, and all I remember is screaming, darkness and-and feeling like I was already dead….." Her hand shook harder as she flipped the lighter and ignited the flame like last time, and she slowly grew into a routine, one after another she lit, confessing to him things that she hadn't even admitted to herself.

Mamoru stood frozen next to her, his gut tightening with each sparkler and each confession, clenching his hands into fists so that he wouldn't reach out and touch her, bring her comfort. He had to wait until she was finished, and when she was ready.

"I have nightmares about when each of the girls got their crystal heart taken."

"I don't realize I'm crying until I start to feel the tears hit my legs."

"Everytime I pass the rubble of Mugen Academy, I feel sick to my stomach."

"I always feel awful when I have to lie to my parents about where I'm going….and sometimes I wonder if that will be the last time I see them."

"I feel guilty that everyone else has to protect me but I can barely protect one of them."

"It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I don't know what to do."

On her last sparkler, she paused, her breathing having gotten faster and her face grew slack.

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't Sailor Moon…" It was the quietest confession, but the most powerful. Usagi lit the last sparkler, and in the faint light of the sparks, he spotted the dried paths of tears that had run down her face.

About to take a step towards her, Mamoru was thrown when Usagi bended down to scoop up the largest and last sparkler they had. "Let's spark the last one Mamo-chan."

There was so many unmistakable cracks in those louder words, but he nodded, followed her wordlessly as she kneeled and firmly placed the box on the ground. "Are you ready?" she questioned, her quivering hand attempting to produce the flame from the lighter.

Mamoru kneeled next to her and reached a hand towards hers. "Usa..."

"I can get it, I'm fine," she muttered, dropping the lighter a few times.

Ultimely, the lighter ignited and lit the fuse. Once it was flaming, Usagi grasped his hand, dragging him away from the ticking firework.

In an instant intense flash, tall sparks flew out of the box, frizzling in a brilliant, white light. It was difficult not to be in awe over such a dazzling sight. The flashing sparks shot out of the base, flowing out like a reverse, flaming waterfall, and it bathed the dark park they were in with a rich, lush glow.

It illuminated their bodies and when he turned to see if that familiar glee-filled smile would make an appearance like the last time there were sparks such as these in the sky, Mamoru froze as he did catch her face in the delicate glimmer shining in front of them.

The fresh, gleaming tears reflected off her cheeks, falling down the edge of her trembling chin.

"Usako-"

"It's beautiful, isn't it Mamo-chan?" And she smiled. A wet face and red eyes framed it, but it was the most real, open expression she'd had in weeks.

"Yes," he answered, cracking a sad grin to match hers, "Yes, it is."

The mold broke right then - collapsing along with the wall that had blocked him before, and she overflowed with emotions, drowning him in a sea of guilt, fear, and sorrow that was suffocating and seemed endless, but he came up for air, and it was only relief that filled his senses then, along with silky, golden waterfalls that wrapped around him, like her tight arms.

She shuddered, body racked with small sobs and little sniffles vibrated against his chest as the sparks continued to sizzle and burn in tall, blazing white flares.

It killed him to know he couldn't take the pain away completely, and maybe, for now, this could be enough to ease it, at the very least.

Her nails dug deeper into his back, and her fists were full of his crisp, fresh dress shirt. A few moments passed and her muffled, thick voice spoke into the fabric. "Can we…..can we stay for a little longer?"

He tightened his arms further around her small form, resting his chin on the top of her head. "Of course. We still have all the food to eat."

His dry joke was met with strangled giggles and a different kind of shaking in her body.

Joining her in laughter, Mamoru watched with glassy eyes how the brilliant sparks of light soared up, burning high in the sky_, _a magnificent, vivid vision of stars sweeping over the azure empyrean above them.

Long after the funshutsu hanabi fizzled out, the two still stood there, embraced in the settling dark with Usagi still nestled against his chest and his arms wrapped tight around her, all out of sparklers and lights.

But Mamoru knew that his favorite, most brightest spark, was still there, glowing bright in a dark space.

* * *

**End**

**I hope this attempted angsty, emotion-filled one-shot wasn't too bad to read and h****opefully you enjoyed some part of this little story Moon Bunny and that the wait wasn't completely worthless! I really tried to bring something new and gift a fic that had elements you really liked. So, again, fingers crossed I didn't completely disappoint!**

**And I hope some of you kind of liked it as well? (Angst is hard to do!) Until next time!**


End file.
